Today’s tip…record everything! Phone calls, video calls with kids, document times he picks up, times he drops off, any time he bails, etc.
I decided to document all conversations with my ex after I left for many reasons. To name a few: he was abusive, had zero interest in being a father, and suffered from amnesia at the most convenient times. One thing that I would recommend if you’re dealing with an abusive ex and/or narcissist, is to limit all oral communication. I never answered phone calls, and forced my ex to text or email. I even told him this much when he exploded each time I didn’t answer his call. There is absolutely no reason to have another phone conversation with your now ex. Everything should be written so you both can remember the details accurately, and you have proof of them bailing or not wanting to show up for their parenting time. This also allows you to avoid further manipulation or abuse. In my particular case, this documentation was critical for several reasons.
- My ex was going for 50/50 custody strictly to avoid paying child support. He admitted this over and over during our conversations. I would question him on this and say that it doesn’t make me, as the mother, feel comfortable with my baby in his care when he doesn’t want to see her or be a part of her life to be a good father. Instead, his only intention is to avoid paying child support.
- He admitted that his attorney told him to start going to our baby’s doctor appointments and to take a parenting class so it would paint him in a better light to the judge. Having all of this on record just helps you present your case if you were to have a court battle.
- He attempted to trade parenting time for my furniture and more of the money in the divorce. This was a huge red flag. He was more concerned with getting my furniture for free and our marital cash, rather than parenting time with our little one.
- Once my attorney informed the opposing counsel that I was concerned about drug use, my ex immediately shaved his head during a blizzard to avoid being tested. He realized that the way to test for acid use was through a hair sample. When he showed up at our Initial Status Conference (ISC) bald, I was sure to discreetly get a few pictures for good measure ?
The most important question to ask about recording is if you need consent. Federal law permits one to record phone and in-person conversations without the consent of the other party as long as you (the person recording) are also participating in the conversation. This is referred to as one-party consent. State laws differ so check your state laws to find out whether it is legal to record. Most states require one-party consent for recording. Though eleven states still require two-party consent, which means that every person involved in the recorded conversation must agree to being recorded. As of August 2020, those states include: California, Delaware, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, and Washington.
If you live in a state that requires two-party consent, I’m not sure my advice would be legally sound. If you tell the other person that you will be recording all contact with them, they likely will lie and be on their best behavior, which defeats the purpose. Even if it is illegal, I would still record everything for good measure and for your own archives. While it is illegal, you hope to never need to use it, but what if it’s important down the road? It will be useful for you to reference interactions to jog your own memory of events and statements. Furthermore, not to be dark but if you happen to be married to someone who would be capable of murder, your family having any and all evidence of abuse or threats would be critical.
