Bringing up Daddy

Yes, you read that right. It’s a spin on the Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn classic “Bringing Up Baby”. Instead, I’m talking about raising a daddy. Now I know there are some wonderful men out there. They may be an amazing husband, father, son, friend, employee, coworker, and overall a wonderful person. Today, I’m not talking about those dads. Today, I’m talking about what to do if you find yourself co-parenting with a terrible dad. How to handle it, how to basically show them what to do with a child, even though it should be instinct. The fact of the matter is, you want your ex to be a good dad, if not for your child’s mental well-being, but their physical safety as well. I have been attempting to raise my ex to be a somewhat dependable and responsible father so I will not worry as much about my baby’s safety when she is in his care. The truth is, I still worry and pray for her safe return each time she is with him.

When she started eating table food, I started sending little meals for her on his days so he would get an idea of the caliber food I expected her to have. Don’t open a jar of easy mac every night. She needs some nutrition. One day, I sent roasted chicken. The next day, it was baked wild caught Alaskan salmon. So teach him to step up. He likely won’t reach the bar you set, otherwise, you’d probably be still married to him. But seeing your expectations may make him second guess his lazy parenting approach.

When she started spending more time with him, I sent him a list of items he would need for her comfort, safety, and well-being. I even went as far as telling him the aisle at HIS Target each item was located.

When my ex had his one and only overnight, I needed to see his place to know she would be safe. I offered to come over and help him put her down so he sees my routine with her. And honestly, I’m the only one who puts her down at night so I was afraid that she would be scared or unsure of what was happening. I brought my dad with me. I’ve said this in previous posts, but I’ll say it again here because it’s crucial. ALWAYS BRING SOMEONE WITH YOU! Never allow yourself to be alone with your ex. No matter how nice you think he is or how mutual the divorce was. Assume the worst because it is better to be careful and prepared than to risk your life by being alone with someone who may be dangerous.

Be accommodating to an extent. I always try to be available for watching my baby when he cancels. This has two main advantages. One, I love spending time with her so it’s just extra time for me. Two, if you make him feel like a bad father for missing a day or cancelling, he’ll just get a babysitter or friend to watch the kids when it is his time. This means that you may not have much control or peace of mind over who is around your babies. I don’t believe I’ve ever said no when my ex has bailed, which is A LOT. I know it can seem like an inconvenience when you’ve made plans or want to live a life for yourself, but it is especially important when your kiddos are tiny and can’t tell you what they’re doing or who they are with.

One thing I’ve realized is the more I’m willing to help him be a decent father, the more he’ll listen to me. And someday, he will have a relationship with someone else and she will likely have very different opinions about how we should be raising my baby. If I’ve been supportive of fostering a good relationship between him and our baby and if I’ve been level-headed and pragmatic, he is more likely take my side with decisions we need to make regarding my child.

It’s tough raising a daddy and for some, it simply can not be done. I’m afraid my case is hopeless, but I won’t give up. For the safety of my little girl, I will keep trying to raise my ex. Good luck out there ladies, or men if you find yourself on the flip side of this! If you have any advice or additional tips, please comment below.