Many people wait until the kids have left for college before they seek divorce. There are also the occasional ones that fight to stick with it for as long as they can but end up divorcing when the kids are somewhere between 6 and 10 years old. A lot of parents think it’s tough on a child to divorce, but after surviving a very abusive marriage, I realized it would have been more toxic for my baby if I stayed. I divorced my ex-husband when my baby was 2 months old and while this is also unusual, it was the best decision that I ever made. My baby had post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after dealing with her father those first 2 months of her life. He yelled at me all of the time, cussed her out when she was 4 weeks old because she wouldn’t burp on cue. So from a very early age, she was dealing with a lot of stress. And while she is doing so much better now, the stress of dealing with everything still leaves a mark. She has night terrors on nights that she spends the day with her father. Not like a normal nightmare, but screams out in the night as though she is absolutely terrified. It’s crippling to see my baby traumatized because of a stupid decision that I made. I brought him into my life, and inflicted this misery on my innocent child. But what would she be dealing with had I not left when I did? What if I waited until now when she is 10 months old? She is already very aware of her surroundings for such a tiny person and all of the yelling and anger would really be scaring her by this point.
What if I stayed until my daughter was 5 or 6 years old? She would already have this vision of what her family life was like and then I would have to rip it away from her? It is traumatic for a child, but hearing their parents fight nonstop or seeing a father abuse their mother is far more traumatizing. By staying, you might be unaware that you are teaching your sons to manipulate and abuse women and teaching your daughters to endure it.
Some people say “there is never a good time to divorce.” I disagree. The best time to divorce is NOW! If you’re entertaining the idea, you’re ready to go. I fought to stay married because I thought it was best for my baby, but after I left, I realized that I should have left sooner. The best time to divorce is as soon as you recognize you’re unhappy AND you are sure your marriage is irretrievably broken. If you realize this when your child is an infant, you’re lucky. You likely haven’t wasted too much time with the wrong person. In my opinion, there are several positives to divorcing early rather than waiting for the kids to leave for college. The first positive is that it’s healthier for your kiddos. All they really want is for both of their parents to be happy. While it may be an adjustment at first, everyone will be happier once the dust has settled.
Second, if you wait until the kids are grown, you might miss out on many years you could be happier. You may even meet the love of your life, the one you were meant to be with. If you stay married to the wrong person, you will prolong the inevitable and miss out on someone better suited for you.
Third, if your marriage is heading towards divorce, but you are choosing to stay committed until “the right time”, you will likely become bitter from loneliness and unhappiness. Unfortunately, by the time you end it, there may be so much water under the bridge that you will no longer be able to be in the same room together.
Fourth and finally, from a financial standpoint, divorcing while you have an infant is the best choice, because the most child support you will likely ever receive is during those first months to years. This is strictly true for the primary caregiver.
Each state uses a specific model to determine the amount of child support due. My state for example, uses the Income Shares Model, which is also the most commonly used model. The Income Shares Model calculates child support based on the salaries of both parents. Another element that is factored in is the number of overnights the child will be spending with the noncustodial parent per year. It’s semi-gradual. What I mean by this is that any number of overnights that your ex has per year, up to 92 will give you the most child support. This number does not vary so if your ex has 30 overnights, you’ll receive the same amount of child support as you would if your ex has 92 overnights. Child support will then drop significantly when the other parent reaches 93 overnights/year and then there will be a gradual decrease in the value of child support payments coming your way as overnights for the noncustodial parent increases. For an infant, it is important for the child to spend time with both parents as often as possible, however it is also very important for the child to really bond with one parent. I took a co-parenting class that the courts required and they said that it is better for the child to spend ALL overnights at one parent’s house for the first 12 to 18 months of life. This allows the child to fully bond with at least one parent, develop a routine, and feel secure. This also means that the custodial parent will receive the maximum amount of child support possible until the child is 12 to 18 months old.
The main point that I want to make is that if you are the primary caregiver and you’re thinking about divorce, the time to leave is now. If you leave early enough, you may find the love of your life. You’ll hopefully end the marriage before you both are too bitter to be around one another. You’ll be able to spend time with your precious baby without the stress of your ex yelling at you. And a bonus is that the most child support you will ever receive is when your child is an infant.
*This post is more beneficial for the primary caregiver considering divorce, but it may be useful for the other party as well.
