Black Roses

Have you ever heard the song “Black Roses” written by Lucy Schwartz and performed by Clare Bowen? When I first heard this song on an episode of the show Nashville back in 2014, I was moved in a way I can’t explain. Not only are the lyrics and music absolutely stunning, but Clare’s voice is phenomenal. I listened to this song for the first time in a while last night and was brought to tears. Years ago when I first heard it, I could empathize with the lyrics, but I didn’t have any experiences that I felt related to the words. Unfortunately, it hits close to home now. In 2014, I was still single and had the world by the tail…in 2020, I am blessed with a new baby in the midst of divorcing my narcissistic, emotionally and verbally abusive husband. 

Parts of Stanzas 1 and 2 in the song reads:

“You can throw your words sharper than a knife.

And leave me cold

In another house on fire.

I lay low, lay low,

And watch the bridges burn.”

Verbal abuse can be as painful as physical abuse, and can leave lifelong scars. It’s odd that I didn’t realize what I was enduring while I was in it. The insults started slowly and he had a talent for making me feel like I was the problem. It’s shocking that someone could have this sort of mental power over you and you wouldn’t recognize it for so long. Now, I’m picking up the pieces of myself that I allowed him to shatter.

Stanza 4 really struck a chord. It reads:

“She told me twice all her good advice

But I couldn’t see I was clouded by your lies

Up in smoke, a vision she foretold

She said stay away ‘cause that boy’s a warnin’ sign”

This stanza was so powerful for me because I didn’t listen to my mom when I started dating my ex. I knew she didn’t like him…it was obvious, but to be honest, I didn’t listen because she’s never liked anyone I’ve dated. She says it’s because no one I’ve dated ever measured up and she didn’t think they were good enough. As her daughter, all I think when I hear this is of course she thinks that. I’m her daughter so naturally her opinion is biased. Haha. But now I get it. She just saw what I couldn’t.

My mom is one of the smartest people I’ve ever known. She doesn’t have a college degree, but she successfully ran her own business for 33 years, can invest money in the right place at the right time, and can peg a person within a few minutes of meeting them or even just hearing a bit about them from someone else. I don’t believe she’s ever been wrong. That’s taken me the better part of 34 years to admit but don’t tell her I said that ? And as sad as she is about it now, she was 100% right about my ex. She hoped he would surprise her, but unfortunately it all ended how she feared.

When we got engaged, she made comments about his addictive personality, his family being really different from ours, her concern that he had never had a job, his odd relationship with his dad, his disrespect for people, his rush to propose like he’s trying to trap me before I find the skeletons in his closet, the way my dog started behaving like an abused dog. She pointed all of these things out and I turned a blind eye because he simply lied and spewed empty promises. Everything she saw and warned me about came to fruition. He not only has an alcohol problem, but started using drugs. His family was from a different planet all together (that’s an entirely different blog post in itself!). He had never had a job and even at 30 years old with a new baby decided he didn’t want to work and he shouldn’t have to, right?! ? He rushed to get married before I figured him out and boy did I feel trapped then. His relationship with his dad was something I would have never believed. He spoke to him on the phone every single day for an average of 4 to 5 hours! And this was odd on so many levels, but for someone who talks to his dad 4 to 5 hours each day, he was incredibly rude and disrespectful to his parents. Naturally, the way he disrespected his parents spilled over into how he abused me and my precious dog. My mom had him pegged from the get-go and I wish I had listened and seen the signs sooner.

If you have loved ones in your life telling you to pay attention to the red flags blowing in the breeze, really listen. They want what’s best for you so if they suspect something is wrong, there is likely something wrong. The saying “Love is blind, deaf, and dumb” is very true and when you’re in something so deep, you can not see or think clearly.