I received an apology email from my estranged husband the other night. I filed for divorce almost 4 months ago and he finally gets it. He apologized for being selfish, hateful with his words, and an overall terrible husband (sort of). I couldn’t believe the words I was reading. With a narcissist, they rarely realize they are the problem so I honestly thought this day would never come, especially so quickly after I left him. I think anyone would say that hearing all of this from an ex would be amazing. It would set them free and I actually thought that as well, before I read this. The emotions I’m now feeling…sadness and anger. This is a typical narcissist’s move. All this letter does is lift a weight off of his shoulders. He feels better about apologizing, he feels like he’s doing me some sort of favor by recognizing a sliver of his countless shortcomings. Not only is he a narcissist, but he’s a coward. He tells me that he wished he’d realized what he was losing earlier and that he still loves me, but he never specifically said “let’s stop the divorce” or “I want to give it another shot” or “I don’t want to lose you or our little family.” A man would have fought for his family and the woman he claims to love. But instead, this man-child sends out some feelers to see what I would say first.
I’m angry that I allowed him into my life and he ruined it. I’m angry that I’m stuck with him and his parents for the rest of my life. Geez, if you knew them, you’d recognize that’s punishment enough in itself. I’m angry that he’s even emailing me this crap. I left him almost 4 months ago and up until a month ago, he was still berating me via text for 6 hours straight during work. He has said harsh, hateful words even fairly recently. He has demanded money constantly since we’ve been separated. He wasn’t even paying child support and was too entitled to realize that I was solely paying my bills, anything for our child (food, clothing, diapers, wipes, childcare), expenses for my divorce attorney, as well as his health insurance, his gas, his groceries, his apartment application fees, etc. Honestly, where I stand now, he has done so much harm to me that I just don’t foresee ever forgiving him, regardless of a haphazard apology.
In addition to the anger I felt while reading this email, I was completely consumed by sadness. Why couldn’t he have realized this a year ago, or even just 6 months ago? Maybe he would’ve treated me better. All I could think about was the horrible way he’s treated me. He made me cry at the restaurant on my birthday when I was 9 months pregnant, and even smirked about it. Then, he continued to treat me like I was worthless after our baby was born. But if he had treated me better, would I have stuck around longer with the wrong man? I know for a fact he isn’t the guy for me. I need someone strong and who doesn’t unravel with the slightest speed bump in life. Like I always say, women need a rock, someone they can lean on to keep them strong. I deserve that. We all do.
What I really wanted to say…
Don’t worry, I didn’t send that. ? Haha. But you may be wondering how I replied. What did I say to respond to this infuriating, cowardly email? Practically nothing. I kept it polite, professional and non confrontational. He’d rather not know what I truly think about him. After all, he may have apologized, but he’s still a narcissist. He doesn’t want to reminisce about all of the pain he put me through. So in a few forced, but polite sentences, I thanked him for apologizing. I’m glad he apologized, but nothing he could say or do would change my mind about him. The important thing now is being gracious and trying to cultivate a decent co-parenting relationship with him for the sake of my sweet little girl. Everything I do, I do for her and she’s all that matters now. I know that I have to work extra hard to raise her well because I co-parent with an emotionally and verbally abusive narcissist. Therefore, I’m determined to neutralize the negativity that she’ll experience while with her father.
Ladies or gentlemen, if you find yourself in a similar situation, I recommend you write a raw, scathing entry like I did to release some tension and anger. Please don’t send it to your ex, even though I know you want to. I get it! But writing is so therapeutic and it’s how I began to let go and started to heal. Honestly, I have a long way to go before I feel like I’ve healed my wounds, but writing helps. And having a supportive community with people who can relate really helps. Comment below if you’ve been here or if you can offer any advice for healing.