My ex-husband was in his early thirties when I left him. The night I left, I had realized his dad was still breastfeeding him. As long as he’s on the boob, he’ll never mature into a man.
As I’ve said before, I used to date very put-together, mature men. And what I mean by that is that they kept their place clean, oh, had a place… They ironed their clothing, cooked dinner, paid their bills, etc. Looking back, I can’t believe I didn’t see the red flags slapping me upside the head. After I got married, I realized that the credit card my ex was using to take me out on dates was linked to his dad’s account. Soooooo, his dad paid all of his bills!!!! That’s right, he was 27 years old and his dad was still paying his bills. He was perfectly capable. I’ve been paying my bills since I was 16 years old. I am very blessed with generous parents who often pay for dinner when we go out, but I have my own credit cards, checking accounts, retirement, and stocks. Honestly, after learning about his credit card, I should have filed for divorce in that moment. But I didn’t. I turned a blind eye to the blatantly obvious red flags. We all do this. We want to see the best in people and that’s wonderful. But there is also a time to throw in the towel and surrender.
I’ll give you a little more context. My ex never ironed his clothes. He’d roll out of bed, look around for a balled up, wrinkled t-shirt and head off to work at 9 or 9:30 am. He never bothered to make breakfast because he was too lazy, so he’d spend $8 at the café near work. He also was too lazy to carry lunch or bring the containers home so he would spend $14 at the café. Then, when I tried to save money, he would yell at me for controlling him. Hmmm, well he was spending about $475/month on just breakfast and lunch (EXCLUDING SATURDAY AND SUNDAY)! Think about that for a minute. We were spending close to $1600/month on food alone. He liked fancy dinners most nights of the week with an old fashion at 12 bucks a pop. This wouldn’t be a problem if he was throwing down and providing. A man who works hard and brings in some money can buy a coffee at work, or lunch on occasion, but the guy who “works” 4 hours a day and doesn’t make any money (was making less than $35,000 at the time), doesn’t have the right to spend this kind of money on luxuries. The funny thing is that he liked the fancy lifestyle, but just didn’t want to work to pay for it. He wanted everyone else to pay his way. So where did this mindset stem from? How did he turn into such an entitled loser? His dad. His dad created it.
I love the quote written by Frederick Douglass, “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” It’s important to give your children the tools to become strong and productive members of society rather than waiting until they are grown to try to instill some of those key values and character traits. By then, it’s too late. What happens when boys are not raised to be strong and independent? They become entitled and dependent like my ex was.
His dad kept his thumb on his son’s neck his entire life. He did everything for him. I’ll give you just a few examples (there are a thousand more) of how he has truly ruined his son’s chance at a successful future or having a successful marriage someday. But the image I’ve posted with this blog post says it all. Frankly, his dad is still breast feeding him, and until he is off the nipple, he’ll never have to grow up.
After I left him, I realized from our phone bill that he apparently calls his dad 10-12 times per day. I’m not exaggerating. Sometimes it was a 10-minute call, sometimes they talked for 2 hours. On average, he was spending 5 hours a day talking to his dad. What could they possibly have to talk about for that long? What’s really odd is that my ex talked very poorly of his father to everyone else. He said really hateful things like his dad was ugly and didn’t do anything with his life or contribute to the world. So I was a little confused when I realized he talked to him this much. Unfortunately, I believe they developed a dependency, which turned into a toxic relationship.
After I filed for divorce, my ex drove home to see his parents for a week. They bought him a new car, a new iPhone and put him on their phone plan. They also bought him a new wardrobe. He was 32 years old, by the way. When his parents came out to visit a couple of months later, his dad took his new car to get the car tags and get his oil changed for him. My ex rarely sees our child, maybe 1 or 2 times a week for a couple of hours. He always has the weekends free, but instead of taking his car in, he waits for his dad to come into town to do it for him. ?
During the divorce, I offered him some of my furniture for free, but he turned it down. Instead, his parents bought all new furniture for his apartment. On top of that, they paid his rent and his remaining divorce attorney fees.
On Father’s Day, he had the nerve to text me “could you get your dad to bring me the grill they got me?” His dad was in town and they wanted my dad to stop enjoying his holiday to load up a grill, by himself, and bring over to his place for him. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The thing is, once entitlement and lack of regard for others has been instilled in a child, it grows bigger as they age. What is in you gets stronger with age. His father has had him on his nipple for 32 years and sadly, he’ll never grow up at this point because he doesn’t have to.
I’ll end this by saying that people don’t change. Watch how someone treats/talks about their parents. Are they disrespectful or entitled? Watch how the parents treat them. Do they treat their grown kids like children or like adults? These are the signs that will tell you if you’re about to marry a child. The latest news is that they are buying him a house ? Yes, that’s right. He makes plenty of money now, he is divorced in his thirties, with a child, and his parents are buying him a home. There comes a point where you have to stop wiping your child for them to mature and become an adult. In this case, it’ll never change. He’s latched on tighter than ever!
Artwork by Nflamed
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