Lights Out

This was the moment I’ve been dreading for 10 months… my first overnight away from my baby. My ex didn’t have any overnights until my daughter turned 12 months. He was supposed to take her two weeks ago for his first overnight…a Saturday. The night before, he called to ask if I would watch her for a few hours Saturday night while he ran into work. I said I would because we have it stated in the court documents that no one other than our immediate families are allowed to watch her. Therefore, it is crucial that I am available for his every whim because at least he will always feel comfortable asking me to watch her rather than paying some stranger a few bucks to potentially hurt my child.

He brought her over before dinner and about a half hour later he called to cancel his overnight. He said one of his coworkers didn’t do something for him so he wouldn’t make it back in time. It is always someone else’s fault. There are 168 hours in a week, he has her only about 2 – 4 hours because he cancels frequently. This guy can’t get everything he needs to do done during the other 164 hours in a week??? I have a full time job and I’m raising a child alone but I can manage just fine. But the truth is, he’s just that lazy.

So when he asked me to keep her for the night and he would see her the next day, I was polite and said no problem. But when I hung up, my parents and I were all dancing and jumping for joy. It means two more weeks that my baby is safe in my arms.

Two weeks flew by and it was his turn to take her for her first overnight. I knew he would do it this time because his parents were coming into town. So that night, I told him that I would come over and help put her down. I felt like I needed to be there for her to not feel scared, as well as for myself. I needed to check out his place and make sure she has a safe place to sleep and there weren’t any clear hazards for her. I also brought my dad with me. For all women out there, no matter how nice you think your ex is, never go alone. If there is one piece of advice that you take away from reading my blog, please always be careful. I have not been alone with my ex since the night I left him. Always have someone with you for your protection.  

We showed up at his place and of course his dad was pretty rude to me. He’s angry that I divorced his lazy son and now he has to wipe him and pay his bills. ?

My dad, who is hilarious, was pointing out all of the hazards in the apartment to my ex’s parents. They still had outlets open. I told him 6 months ago when my daughter started crawling to get outlet covers. He still hasn’t done it? They have those everywhere. I could order them with Amazon Prime and have them at my door in 2 days. I even sent him the aisle they are located on in his Target, which is a half mile from his apartment. There is absolutely no excuse for not having his apartment babyproofed. He didn’t have any safety measures on his cabinets in the kitchen. The sliders on the bottom of his kitchen chairs were falling off. Those pieces are the size on a nickel so they are the perfect choking hazard for my little angel.

What aggravates me is that he hasn’t made any time to make sure his apartment is safe for my child, but he has time to deck it out like an 8-year-old boy would. He had lights coming from behind his TV so there is colorful lighting on the wall. He also had this lighting above the kitchen cabinets and under his bed. He had it set to transition through all colors: pink, blue, green, etc. He even spent time connecting the lights to his Alexa so all he had to do was demand the lights come on rather than him spend the energy on flipping the switch. This dude is 31 years old!!!

When we tried to put my 12-month-old to sleep, he changed the setting for the lights under his bed to flash on a strobe setting. If that’s not enough to send my baby into seizure mode, he started blaring music from his stereo. I felt like I was at a concert in the 70’s. How could he ever expect an infant to go to sleep with lights strobing and music blasting? I tried to explain to him that this is overstimulating for her. When I put her down each night, we have a dark room with her little deer nightlight lit and I hum sweet songs quietly as I rock her. Then I lay her down, even when she is still awake and she slowly drifts off to sleep. This is an entirely different experience from what was happening over at my ex’s place.

Each time that I tried to hand her off to him, she started screaming. Rather than trying to comfort her, he freaked out and kept yelling her name at her. Personally, it really doesn’t calm me down when someone repeatedly yells my name at me. My sweet angel screamed for an hour before I finally left. He and his dad tried to make me feel like it was my fault she was crying so I gave up and had to leave my precious baby there scared and crying. I think it took them another hour or so to put her down.

I didn’t sleep much that night. I woke up every hour, panicked and checking my phone. I told him to call me if he needed anything. Even though I can’t stand my ex, he doesn’t know it. I always try to make him feel as comfortable as possible telling me anything because I feel a little more secure about my baby’s safety.

We’ll see how the next overnight goes when it’s just my ex and his parents aren’t there to help. I can’t believe our laws allow for this kind of torture of children. My child is traumatized every time she’s with my ex and there is nothing I can do to protect her. Please tell me it gets easier. Please tell me she won’t need therapy well into her adult years. Please tell me I didn’t completely screw her up by choosing this loser to be her father.