I never imagined going through a divorce would be so confusing. You’re already emotional with the fact that this person you thought you’d build a life with will no longer be a part of your world. But emotions aside, if you aren’t a divorce attorney, all of the red tape you need to go through will astound you. The terminology was all very new to me so I rarely understood what my attorney was telling me. Because it was such a stressful and difficult time for me, I wanted to provide as much clarity for my readers as possible. I’m just scratching the surface so I will not be able to touch on everything but this Cliff Notes version might help you anticipate the major deadlines you’ll come across and what to expect. Because I hired a lawyer, I can’t provide much support for those who are going at this alone. However, I do provide some tips in the next post.
- Once you realize you want a divorce, you will need to decide if you want to hire a lawyer or do everything on your own with the help of a mediator (neutral party). The first thing you will do is file a Petition for dissolution of marriage. You will need to get this notarized, which means you will need to sign the Petition before a notary (public official appointed by the state to avoid fraud). You may go to your bank branch and they will likely be able to notarize it.
If you hire a lawyer, they will fill out the Petition and file it with the courts. All you need to do is sign it. You will have two options that blindsided me and I wished I had more time to think about it. You can either give the papers to your spouse directly or you can have him/her served. If you have them served, they will charge a small fee (~$100-$200), which in my opinion was worth it. If your spouse doesn’t want a divorce or if you believe they will drag their feet and procrastinate, I recommend having them served.
Once served, your spouse will have to respond to the courts within 30 days. Taking this course of action expedites the process. Once you choose to serve them, it happens really quickly. I asked my lawyer to serve my ex one morning and he had the papers in his hands by the time he got off of work. A potential drawback to this is potentially starting a very volatile divorce process with your spouse. They may view this as an unnecessary attack on them. Once you request them to be served, a process server or proxy is hired to deliver the paperwork. The process server or proxy will serve him or her as soon as they track them down. If this occurs at their place of work or when they are with friends, it could be humiliating for your spouse. For my personal situation, I requested that the process server first attempt to serve my ex at his home. While they were able to accomplish this in my case, they cannot guarantee where they serve the papers.
The main point I want to make here is that you will need to make a decision on whether or not to hand your spouse the papers and hope they don’t just sit on them. Alternatively, if you are ready to be divorced and want out ASAP, having them served gives you piece of mind and provides them with a deadline to get the ball rolling. I will discuss the pros and cons of hiring a lawyer in my post next week so stayed tuned to learn more.
- After you have served the papers, your lawyer and the opposing counsel will schedule the Initial Status Conference (ISC). During this meeting, you and your lawyer will show up in court to discuss the case and schedule a court date for the Temporary Orders Hearing, as well as the Permanent Orders Hearing. If your case looks straightforward, you may schedule a permanent orders hearing a few months out, but if you go through the steps to hire a Child & Family Investigator (CFI)**, you could end up scheduling a court date 6 to 9 months from the ISC meeting. Unfortunately, this means you’re married even longer.
Leading up to the ISC meeting, begin getting your finances together. This is referred to as the Sworn Financial Statement (SFS). You will need to have this finalized and sent back to your lawyer, who will need to file the SFS with the court prior to the ISC meeting. In this document, you will disclose your income, monthly expenses, property (e.g., real estate, vehicles), debts, bank accounts, cash, furniture, and retirement. Here, you will also list martial and non-marital value for each of these items.
When you sign the SFS, you will need to have it notarized so make sure you don’t wait until a Saturday evening to get this completed if you have to be in court for the ISC meeting Monday morning. As I mentioned above, you can go to your bank branch and they likely will be able to notarize it.
**NOTE: I will discuss CFI’s in the 5th post in this divorce series, which will be posted in 2 weeks so stayed tuned.
- If you share children, the courts will likely require you both to take a co-parenting class. It may depend on the state you live in, but in my state, I was required to take a specific court-ordered class. This is a half day (3 – 4 hours) class that focuses on how to parent a child with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse. They touch on what the children might be feeling during the divorce, and how to help them cope with everything. The instructor talked through all ages from newborn to 18 years old and it was really interesting to learn how children of different ages cope with something like divorce. For the judge to finalize your divorce, you have to already have completed the co-parenting class. I scheduled my class immediately and recommend you do the same so you don’t delay the process.
- If you go to court for the Permanent Orders Hearing, you’ll need to start prepping. I didn’t end up going to court, so I can’t speak to what happens when you get in there, but I can walk you through what I experienced leading up to the final decree.
If you read my second post about documentation and recording all interactions, this will help you prepare for court. Gather any and all evidence you can to support your case, whether you are trying to show why you deserve more of the marital funds or why you should have sole custody of the kids, etc.
If you decide to hire a CFI, you will need to file a motion to do so with the court. During the ISC meeting, the judge will give you a deadline for deciding whether the appointment of a CFI is necessary.
Any discovery must be filed with the courts within 28 days of the scheduled Permanent Orders Hearing. This can include anything you may be suspicious of. For example, if you believe your spouse has been hiding money, paying for an apartment for their lover, possible hidden inheritance/retirement, or even drug use. I didn’t go far into the discovery part because I didn’t have proof of his drug use, but if you have concerns about any of the above, I recommend you go forward with this. At the very least, you will need to compile a list of witnesses that can testify on your behalf (e.g., your character, parenting ability, marital issues) should you end up going to court. You will need to provide the name of the witness, mailing address, phone number, and what they may speak to on your behalf. I will warn you that once this is filed with the court, the opposing counsel will receive a copy so your soon-to-be-ex will also see your list.
Mediation is required 21 days prior to the Permanent Orders Hearing so be sure you schedule it at least 3 weeks before your court date. Expect a half-day for mediation. Most mediators will cost upwards of $200 per hour and generally require each party to contribute 50% of the total fee. If you’re working with lawyers, they will also attend the mediation and will also charge you their hourly rate. During mediation, you will work towards an agreement on the financials, as well as custody of the children if you share children. It is best to try to get as close to agreement as possible prior to mediation so hopefully you can come to an agreement during one mediation session. But don’t give up more time with your children to hurry through these things. Only agree to something if they are what is best for you and your kids, first and foremost. If you can reach an agreement before mediation, you can cancel mediation and the Permanent Orders Hearing, sign the papers and be divorced.
- Once you have come to an agreement on custody and finances, you will both sign the Separation Agreement (separation of finances) and the Parenting Plan (child custody agreement and schedule) and wait for the judge to sign off as well. The judge generally signs the documents in a day or so. Though during the COVID-19 pandemic, it took about a week for us. Once you receive the Divorce Decree, it’s time to celebrate. You are now free!
