Wellness Check

I was disappointed when I filed for divorce. It was never what I imagined my life would look like. I felt like a failure, but not because I left him. Honestly, I felt empowered when I left because I finally found the courage to do so. But I felt like I failed when I chose the wrong person to marry and then somehow had a baby with him. And then there is the dreaded unveiling when you have to start telling people and for that, I was nervous. I worried that I would get the look of pity and then it would make my eyes well up with tears and then I’d be a blubbering mess. So when I started telling friends and coworkers that I had moved out and was filing for divorce (after I just had a baby!!!), I was surprised that I didn’t get much pity, so I was able to avoid some tears. Phew! But instead I received the most unexpected reactions from women. Things like “I’m jealous, I wish I had left sooner”, “I feel like you’re describing my husband”, “you’re so so brave”, “I’ve invested so much in him at this point”. All of these reactions made me realize that we as women are expected to just put on a brave face and deal or “suffer” through a life that we shouldn’t have to. And this applies to men too. I speak from a woman’s perspective because well, I’m a woman. But there are men out there who find themselves also being taken for granted and run over by their wives or girlfriends. No one deserves to be treated like an abused housekeeper by their spouse, regardless of their gender.

There are so many happy marriages. There are women who did marry well and they got a wonderful man to experience life with (I’m envious, but seriously, congratulations girlie!). But those of us who went dumpster diving (as I like to call what I did), it’s good to know that you can leave and life will be okay so take a leap of faith and do what’s best for you. What I’ve learned from other women’s stories is that he may leave you after 25 years of marriage when you feel most alone and your kids are out of the house. Imagine that! I’ve met women and men along my divorce journey who were married for 30 years and their spouse just up and left without a warning or explanation. The hurt and anger in their eyes was painful to see and it only confirmed for me that I made the right decision for my daughter and myself. I was only married for two and half years. I cooked, cleaned, did the laundry, made the money, and wiped his a$$ for only two and half years and I was so bitter and angry that I wasted that much time with an entitled loser. Imagine if I had wasted 25 or 30 years of my life on someone who didn’t appreciate me? What if you cooked and cleaned for him your entire life, he never appreciated it, and then he just walked out on you after decades of marriage? How would you feel? Angry, bitter, used? Rightfully so. And then let’s put the emotional devastation aside; think about your finances. You’re splitting half of your retirement and savings with someone who just tossed you aside like you mean nothing to them. And all of this while trying to go into retirement, or even worse, after you’ve already retired. You saved enough for you both to live on as a couple but if you’re paying for a divorce and splitting things up 50/50, do you still have enough to live on for the remainder of your life? Maybe not, maybe you’ll have to go back to work.

If you’re feeling stuck in a marriage/committed relationship, it’s never too late to start over. So many of us use the excuse “well I don’t want to start over” or “I’ve already invested so much time and energy into him or her”. That excuse will only waste more of your time until the relationship inevitably ends. If you’re concerned about this happening to you or if you’re not finding joy in your marriage, why would you stay?