August 9, 2019

Do you remember the day you realized you were living a nightmare? I do…mine is August 9, 2019. This day last year was one of the lowest points in my life. I was about 8 months pregnant. I was working on my feet 9 hours a day, and coming home to a lazy man-child who said he didn’t want a job because he didn’t think he should have to work. He said hateful things daily because he thought that if he broke me down enough, he could continue to get a free ride. I did all of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, paid the bills, grew our baby, etc. When I asked for any help, he would yell at me and say I was ugly inside and out. He made comments like, “I see why you were still single when I met you” or “I hate your family…you all think you’re better than everyone.” He was deflecting. He thought that if he said enough hateful things, I would get in line and do anything to keep my marriage together.

I had already endured a lot of pain and stress during my pregnancy because of the abuse, but on August 9^th, I felt like I hit rock bottom. My ex mentioned to me that Kary Mullis had just passed away. He was telling me all about his life and the fact that he won the 1993 Noble Prize for chemistry. Side note, my ex and I are both scientists so we generally keep up with the news in this area. Mullis revolutionized biochemistry with his contribution. He invented Polymerase Chain Reaction (PCR) in 1983. PCR is a method that allows scientists to replicate small amounts of DNA. Like most scientists, I use this method daily for my work. This is something that completely transformed forensics, because after the invention of PCR, small amounts of DNA could be amplified to obtain enough DNA to determine a suspect in a murder or rape case.

When my ex was talking about it, he brought up that Mullis experimented with hallucinogens, like LSD. My ex said that Mullis believed LSD opened the mind to seeing new things and that’s how he invented PCR and won the Nobel Prize. Then he said the worst thing he could have said. He said, “I’m going to start doing acid so I can think of some good ideas.” After processing this, I told him I’m not going to be married to someone who does drugs. We went back and forth during the argument, and he said “I think it will be a way for me to win a Noble Prize, so I’m just telling you now that I will be doing acid so you will have to get on board with it.” I honestly felt my life slipping away in that very moment. I was very pregnant with a man-child who was threatening that he will start doing acid. I felt trapped and scared. What could I do? One thing you should know about me is that I’ve never done any drugs and I don’t believe they have a place in my life. I’ve never even smoked pot. I have a fun and exciting life so I just don’t view it as a valuable addition to my world. It is fine if you disagree, but for me personally, I don’t want to be married to someone who is doing drugs. So I was completely devastated and angry to hear what my ex was saying.

Now when I think back on that day, I get so angry. I’m angry about the constant stress he caused me throughout my entire pregnancy, as well as after my baby was born. He abused me every single day with hateful comments and scare tactics and I still wonder if that affected my sweet baby. I think she could feel the anxiety and panic pulsing through my body. It makes my blood boil more when I think about her feeling any of that while I was pregnant. Then it leads me back to a question I ask myself frequently, “how could I have possibly married someone so hateful?”

It’s crazy how much can change in a year. I’m in an entirely different place than I was this day last year. I’m happily divorced with a beautiful and healthy baby girl. I have an amazing job that I love and that pays the bills. My family is happy and healthy (and that’s a huge blessing in the days of Coronavirus). Just remember, if today is the day you’ve realized you’re living a nightmare, you’re not trapped. I thought I was trapped, but I escaped and you can too. Stay strong and do what you need to do to be happy. This time next year, you’ll be in an entirely different situation ?