Mortality…My Worries as a Mama Are Endless

It’s been a while since I last posted. In the time of COVID-19, I feel like we’re all on edge. With the slightest symptom, we panic “RONA?!!” The truth is, I spend most days worried about my own mortality. I never thought it would be such an all-consuming fear. Have any of you single mama’s fixated on this? Maybe not. Maybe you’re wondering why I am so dark? Haha. Hold on just a minute, I’m not dark at all, just terrified. I have this amazing baby girl who was born in a wonderful place where we can hike, camp, go to the lake, snow ski, etc. My sister and her little family and my parents all live within twenty minutes and I planned to raise my family here doing all things outdoors. I intended for my children to know their grandparents, aunt and uncle and cousins very well.

Unfortunately, my ex-husband lied and deceived his way into my life because he said and I quote “you never would have dated me if you really knew me.” His words, not mine. So how did he expect this to go? After our baby was born, all I heard about was that he is stuck in this expensive place and can’t do what he wants to do in his career. The truth…he is too lazy to get a d*** job. He wasn’t qualified for what he thought he wanted to do, and he wouldn’t put in the effort to apply for the jobs he is qualified for.

What does all of this have to do with being afraid? A few days ago, I started feeling fatigued, and my first thought was COVID-19, but then I remembered I’m a single mom with a full-time job who just finalized a divorce with an abusive narcissist. So the natural thought is, of course I’m stressed and tired. Yes, I’m completely exhausted. But then I woke up with extreme dizziness and nausea and I started to worry. I called in sick for work because I had trouble standing and was even dizzy while lying down. As the day went by, I felt some better but not 100%. That night, I woke up at 1 AM nauseous and sweating profusely, and I thought something was seriously wrong. I’m lucky enough to live with my parents so my mom brought me some coke and saltine crackers. After 15 minutes or so, I started to feel some better so I decided to try to get more rest. But by morning, I was so dizzy that I couldn’t move my head an inch without the room spinning and feeling like I was going to vomit. Then it hit me, I was throwing up.

I felt like something was wrong and I started to panic. If it isn’t coronavirus, is it my gallbladder, a blood clot, a brain tumor? These are the thoughts that now run through my head. I would have never thought anything about any of this had I not just had a baby and divorced my ex. But because I was concerned, my parents drove me to the hospital. Long story short, the doctor doesn’t think it’s coronavirus but I asked to be tested to be on the safe side. It will take a couple of days to get the result. They also did a full blood panel and all of my results looked normal. Considering all of my symptoms, the doctor said it’s likely Vertigo. I can’t believe Vertigo does this. For anyone suffering from Vertigo, I am truly sorry that you ever have to feel like this. They gave me fluids, medications for nausea and dizziness and discharged me. I’m doing better, but it could take a few days to a week to feel normal again.

What does all of this matter? Well, my mindset about death has completely changed since having a child. I’m terrified that I won’t have the chance to raise my little girl and watch her grow into the beautiful, strong lady I know she will become. Apparently, my ex and I are polar opposites. We grew up with very different values and morals. So what would happen to my little angel if something happens to me? Everyone is entitled to raise their children the way they see fit, but I just never imagined my little girl could be brought up in a way that would be so different from what I want for her.

So, now do you see why I’m terrified of death? I worry what will happen to my child if something happens to me. My ex-husband would celebrate and move my sweet little one across the country. My baby wouldn’t be raised the way I envisioned in the place that I envisioned, with my family surrounding her.

The silver lining from all of this that I need to focus on is that stress is only causing more harm to my own well-being. The stress moms feel daily is unhealthy. And when we borrow tomorrow’s problems like the fear of death or anything that is entirely out of our control, we can potentially add to our health problems. Does anyone else have this fear with being a single mama or dad? Is there any advice you’re willing to share about how you deal with this? I wonder if there some way to write a will to prevent my ex from uprooting my baby upon my death? I’d like for her to feel stable and have strong roots. Please comment below if you have any advice or if you also share these concerns.