As I gazed into my sweet little girl’s eyes while nursing her, tears streamed down my face. All I could think about is how it’s all my fault that she was brought into this hell. She was only a month old when I realized that I cried nonstop, he yelled nonstop, and my baby too, cried nonstop. The worst two months of my life should have been the happiest. I found myself overwhelmed and lonely. He had never washed a bottle and wouldn’t even know how to put one together. If she started to whimper for whatever reason, he’d start yelling at me. “You’re starving her. I want you to feed our child!” “Why don’t you have a bottle ready already!” Constant stress and torture. If I put her down for a minute to run to the restroom, he’d yell at me if she started to fuss. I really couldn’t even use the restroom without be yelled at. “He has two arms”, I thought, “why can’t he soothe her for one minute.” If I ever asked for help like taking out the trash (the very least he could do), he’d start in about how I’m always nagging and he’d threaten that he wanted a divorce. He never once washed any of her clothes, nor would he fold them. He’d add extra work to my plate by showering two or three times in a day, using a new towel each time and tossing it in the middle of the floor for me to pick up. He was too lazy to lift the toilet seat so he just peed through it, peeing all over the seat. So every time I’d go to the restroom, I’d sit in a puddle of his urine. If I brought it up, I’d get cussed out and he’d threaten divorce AGAIN. Who deserves this? Who should have to sit in someone’s urine? It was disrespectful and degrading and I was at my limit! I felt like I’d likely die before my time if I kept letting him work me to death. And he just wasn’t worth it.
The problem is, this was a very abusive relationship and no one deserves to be treated this way. Only an immature selfish boy would treat their wife and the mother of their newborn child this poorly. A kind-hearted MAN would never treat a woman this way. At the time, I didn’t realize just how abusive he was, but now when I relive these moments, I’m so angry that I let anyone treat me this way. Why did I allow it? Why did I stay for so long?
Most of the time, people find themselves in an abusive relationship and years can pass before they recognize it. Some women feel comfortable chatting with others about their relationship, while others keep it private and hidden. It’s tough because your friends may be able to identify that you’re in an abusive relationship before you can because they are on the outside looking in. But what if being transparent with friends and family or relating your situation to social media causes more problems?
There are potentially two drawbacks to comparing yourself to Instagram couples or confiding in friends. One, you see so many wonderful men on Instagram cooking breakfast for their wives, doing the dishes or laundry, etc. And of course, all of these men happen to have luscious locks and six-pack abs. There are so many wonderful people out there that do indeed respect their significant other and look at a marriage as a partnership where you work together to build this wonderful life. You help each other out and don’t take one another for granted. The more you give, they don’t continue to take more, rather they try to give back and do things to help you. There are men who are like this, but sometimes the bar is set so high on social media, that it can make even women in wonderful relationships question their happiness. So you find yourself romanticizing what other relationships are like and comparing yours to what is idealized, potentially enhanced on social media.
Two, when you’re gabbing with your girlfriends, you hear what is happening in their lives, marriages, and how their husbands are behaving and sometimes it sounds very familiar. I’ve been there many, many times. You then think to yourself that your relationship is normal and you can’t expect more out of your husband or your relationship. “See other women are also dealing with this. The grass isn’t greener on the other side.”
Both of these scenarios are problematic. It’s not fair to your relationship or partner to compare it to others, because no one truly knows what’s going on behind closed doors. No one imagined the level of abuse I was enduring behind closed doors. My ex is like Eddie Haskell from Leave It To Beaver. He’s so (too) nice to everyone and he really does appear to be a nice guy. BUT, the entire drive to the party or outing, he’d be cussing me out to make me feel like I’ve done something wrong. After we arrived to the party and were in front of everyone, he would be kissing all over me. Unfortunately, I’m not an actress and what you see is what you get with me, so this behavior aggravated me and I found myself being short/irritated/distant with him in front of people.
A friend of mine even mentioned once that he is so affectionate with me, and she wished her husband was like that. Little did she know, he didn’t even notice me at home. He would put on his headphones and play on his computer. So you shouldn’t compare your partner to your friend’s partner because what you see may not be the reality. It’s a double-edged-sword. You’ll either be talked into staying too long because at least your partner isn’t “so-and-so’s husband” or you’ll sabotage a perfectly wonderful relationship with someone great because you’re wanting something even better, something that is perhaps fake.
Comparing your situation to your friends’ is a problem because if you feel like all men are the same, you may rationalize that you should just stick with the one you have. In doing so, you may be missing out on someone better suited for you. Maybe you settled initially and that’s why you’re in this predicament, but you don’t have to keep choosing to settle. It’s like that saying that so many married people say, “I continue to choose you every day.” That’s beautiful. That’s what we all want and deserve. But if you stay in a marriage because you’re scared of the unknown, each day, you’re making the deliberate choice to be unhappy. If you feel unhappy most of the time, wouldn’t you rather be alone? I would, I chose to break free in the hopes that maybe I’d meet the love of my life, and if not, I’d still be happier alone and away from the abuse. My dad always says, “There are a lot of single moms out there. And if they’re not, they wanna be.” He’s right. Of course everyone wants the white picket fence and the intact family, but sometimes you realize you’ve been fooled or you simply grew apart. For me, I decided I would rather move on alone and be happy than waste what’s left of my life.
It’s so tough to walk away. It’s not the easier path in the beginning, but if you’ve thought about divorce or running away, you owe it to yourself to determine if that is the path you should be taking. It’s not a light decision, so take your time and make sure it’s the best decision for you.
