Just When You Think You’ve Done Enough, You Get Hit with Alimony

I never imagined that marrying someone with a PhD would leave me paying alimony. Good news is…I didn’t have to. The bad news is, you may have to. If you’re unfamiliar with this, alimony (spousal support) is a recurring payment that one spouse is required to pay the other spouse for a specific timeframe. This has nothing to do with children, which those payments are referred to as child support. So even if you didn’t have children, you may still owe alimony. Alimony has been in play in one form or another for over a century. And it’s generally a good thing. For example, in the 1940’s, women really didn’t work outside of the home. They tended to the home and raised the children while the men worked to support the family financially. In the rare cases of divorce, women would be left destitute without these laws in place. These days, I’m finding more and more that hard working people are being taken for a ride by lazy leaches and what aggravates me is that our laws allow it. Well, the laws don’t allow it. YOU allow it if you venture down this road. Learn from my mistakes and avoid these pitfalls. In the 1940’s and 1950’s, women cooked, cleaned, had the babies, raised the babies so they really did earn their husbands support in the unfortunate case of a divorce. It was justified that they receive alimony because they contributed to the marriage for so many years. However, today, it seems unfair. I feel like I’ve just been set back many years and I still might have to pay for his laziness? And when I look at most of my girlfriends, they also earn way more than their husbands and have the motivation and drive to climb the ladder, working hard for promotions. I’m not seeing as much of this determination from men lately. These are the cases that I’m surrounded by, however, I know there are many cases where the men are being taken for granted and end up with the obligation of alimony. But in my case, I cooked, cleaned, bought the groceries, did the laundry, had the baby, washed the bottles, paid the bills, and even earned more money. He’s just as capable of doing all of that, apart from having the baby, so why would I need to pay alimony?

The law states that if you’re married longer than 2 or 3 years (which varies among states), and you make much more than your spouse, you’ll pay alimony for half the duration of your marriage (there’s a calculation for this). Wow! Did you know this? I’m not sure I would’ve gotten married had I known this. I certainly wouldn’t have married my ex. And I’m not being cynical. I’m being practical. Everyone gets married thinking it’s forever so don’t worry about the worst case scenario. Not to burst your bubble, but you do need to think about these things. I’m now emerging from the darkness of my worst case scenario because I didn’t know these things. I should’ve chosen a man who was more like me with similar values/morals and a similar upbringing. Even though my ex lied about everything, the signs were there. I did see some things that I wasn’t keen on and I think if I knew the specifics of divorce, I would’ve walked away and found the love of my life. Learn from my mistakes and think about these three key points:

1. Based on our current salaries, would I end up paying alimony and would I be okay with that? 
2. Would I feel used if we didn’t work out? In other words, are you carrying the load? My dad always said he and my mom are like 2 mules pulling in the same direction. Better be sure you marry your counterpart or you’re in for a rough life/divorce. And this doesn’t just apply to money. Ask yourself if you’re doing all the work around the house, in the yard, paying bills, scheduling social outings, raising the kids, etc. 
3. And finally, would I be better off financially if I remained single?

Number 3 is tough to admit but it’s very important. There’s no rush in getting married. But if you hesitate even slightly that you may be the mule pulling your partner financially, it may be best to wait. Wait and see if they become more motivated, or pay off their debt, or if they’re determined to be a “forever student”. There’s no rush to signing the piece of paper. And it may save you tens of thousands of dollars in the end.