Dumper versus dumpee. This one hit me hard. Were you the one to leave or were you abandoned? If you’re anything like me, you may not have a definitive answer here. I left my husband and I filed for divorce, but somehow, I felt like I was dealing with emotions very different than the usual dumper would. After I left my husband, I read the book Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends by Bruce Fisher and Robert Alberti. Well actually I’ve only had time to read a few chapters because I’m a new mom with an infant. But what I did read really helped me work through some of the stages of emotions we feel after our marriage ends. They explain that the dumpee will feel angry and rejected, while the dumper will feel guilt for leaving. In a way, I really cannot relate to the dumper fully because I feel no guilt for leaving. To be honest, I’m angry for not leaving sooner. I’m angry I ever dated him, certainly angry that I married him and had a child with him. So guilt? Nah, I don’t feel that.
Even though I left and filed for divorce, it’s odd that I would feel rejected and angry. I remember talking with my mom about this and she said something that made so much sense. She said that emotional and verbal abuse has the same effect on self-esteem and self-worth that rejection does. My ex frequently told me that I’m fat and unattractive after having our baby so naturally this really injured my self-esteem. And all throughout my marriage, his emotional ups and downs made me feel unsure about my marriage and future. I always felt nervous that the other shoe was about to drop. Being married to someone who is mentally unstable can have a huge effect on your own sanity. It can cause you to second guess yourself, which in turn can negatively affect your overall self-worth.
When you’re going through a divorce, it’s important to not force yourself into a category. Just because I’m the dumper doesn’t mean that I should feel guilty or because you’re the dumpee doesn’t mean that you should feel angry. What’s important is to recognize the emotions you are feeling and to deal with them in a way that makes sense to you. You’re feeling what you should be feeling so don’t question what’s wrong with you. Let yourself grieve…be angry, feel guilty, be sad, feel relieved. Personally, I’ve felt all of the emotions above. They come and go and each day is different. Some days are darker than others, but I know that time heals all wounds and eventually the storm of emotions will lessen and I will move on to better things. If you find yourself in the midst of the storm, hang in there! The storm will soon pass.
