If You’re Going Through Hell, Keep on Going

If you know me at all, you know I’m motivated by music. I love music: country, classical, jazz, bluegrass, reggaetón, rock, doesn’t matter, I love it all. So naturally, I’ve titled this blog entry after one of my favorites by Rodney Atkins. “If You’re Going Through Hell” became one of my go-to songs early on in the divorce process. I found it to be a comedic relief during tough moments.

After I filed for divorce, I was so angry that I thought my head would blow off. I was angry about everything. That I ever met the loser I married, that I had a baby with said loser, that I felt like he ruined my life, took away the family I always thought I’d have, that I had to spend my money divorcing him, that I wasted my dream wedding on him, that I didn’t pay attention to the warning signs, that I didn’t leave him sooner, that I ever dated him, that he’d forever be in my life, that my sweet little girl will call him dad. The list goes on and on. I wasn’t sad about leaving him. I was sad that my life was in shambles. But I always thought I’d be sad to go through a divorce, but the truth is, I married someone with not one redeeming quality. NOT ONE! And I’m not just saying that. Most people have something to offer. They’re either funny, good-looking, has a kind heart, works hard to provide for their family, has good hygiene, has a good physique, helps out with dishes or laundry around the house or they’re fun to be around. My ex doesn’t possess a single one of these. So when I finally left him, I was just so angry he ever got me, and especially that I allowed him to treat me so badly for so long. It felt like a jab to my pride and I honestly felt like the anger would never go away. My family and friends told me that in time, I’d be less angry, but I didn’t believe them. I felt like they had no idea what I was going through or just how angry I was. Do you feel like this? If you do, I have some hope for you. Having been through it personally, I promise your anger will subside. I could feel it slowly subsiding about 2 months after I filed for divorce.

There are three main reasons for this. One, some of the anger subsided because I came to terms with my new reality and loved being free and enjoyed being my happy, perky self again. Two, some of it subsided because I realized I had to let go. I was so mad that I had supported his lazy a** for so long and now my money is flying out the window at unprecedented speed because I had a newborn, going through a divorce, and supporting him since he quit his job to watch Netflix 9 hours a day. I felt so much better once I let go and realized that yes it sucks that I’ve worked so hard to get where I am, but now I’m starting over. I’ll lose my savings, potentially go into debt to divorce him, but at least I’ll be free of him soon. Once I threw up my hands to this fact, I felt less angry. And three, some anger subsided because every time I saw my ex after I filed for divorce, I was reminded over and over what a loser he is and the anger was slowly replaced with pity. Here was this 30-year old husband and father who had so little self-respect that he let his dad buy him a brand new iPhone and put him on their phone plan, a brand new car, pay his bills, help him rent a new apartment, fully furnish his new apartment, and even take his car to get car tags for him. If that’s not pathetic, I don’t know what is.

But I’m getting off track. This is all beside the point. The point is, don’t beat yourself up and be patient with yourself. I had many ups and downs during the divorce process, and I still do. One week, I’d feel no anger because I was so relieved to be done, and the next week, I’d be so angry and I couldn’t stop replaying all of the abuse I suffered because of him. The key is to take it one day at a time and eventually, you’ll move past the anger or sadness. Whichever you may be feeling. Focus on what you’ll be gaining once you’re free. Focus on ways your life will be better, if it isn’t already better post-separation. After I left my ex, I realized that I was bullying myself. I felt guilty for feeling so many emotions and then I was angry with myself for being angry with him. So don’t bully yourself and don’t feel like you should be fine. It takes time to heal and you will heal, eventually. It may take a few months for your anger to dissipate, or it may take several years. But it WILL lessen in time…just be patient with yourself.

I know divorce can look bleak, but when you close doors, you open your heart to welcoming more blessings. I don’t view my divorce as a failure. It’s a victory because I walked away before I wasted more precious time in a bad situation. I’m so excited to see what God has in store for me. He too has something special planned for you so if you’re going through hell, keep on going ?