Regret…I talk a lot about regret on my blog, because it’s been the all-consuming emotion that I’ve dealt with throughout this process. I’ve read in various sources that divorce is one of the most painful things you’ll go through in life. I would say it’s difficult and heartbreaking, but I can think of so many painful events. Losing a child, a parent, a sibling or anyone close to you, seeing your child suffer an illness or heartbreak, come face to face with cancer, or losing the love of your life. These are experiences that would be far more painful for me. But divorce is unique for everyone and there is no correct way in dealing with it. For example, for me, the emotion I feel most is regret, with a heaping side of anger. Regret that I ever met my ex, regret that deep down I knew he wasn’t my guy and I married him anyways, and regret that I didn’t divorce him sooner. And then anger is associated with all of the above. I’m angry about it all! But during my journey to divorce, I’ve met other men and women going through a divorce and they feel cheated, abandoned, blindsided, heartbroken because they feel like they DID lose the love of their life. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for so many people. But like I said, for me, I feel mostly regret.
While I mention several regrets above, my biggest regret is that I’ve let down the love of my life. Simply put, I screwed up. I hastily married the wrong person. I did leave early (after only 2.5 years) so I am hopeful that I didn’t miss out on the one I should be with. But even if I haven’t met him yet, I worry that when I do, he’ll be disappointed in me. I don’t know his name, but just for fun, let’s call him “Marlboro”. Side note, I am in every way anti-smoking, but have you ladies seen the Marlboro man (Darrell Winfield) from the ads in the 1950’s and 1960’s?!? My dad always said he pictured me with someone like the Marlboro man, which I 100% agree. Who wouldn’t picture themselves with him? ?
But the truth is, I wanted a family so I did what a lot of women do. I settled for who was around at the time. I buckled under pressure and didn’t wait for Marlboro. And if Marlboro is out there patiently waiting for me, I feel like I didn’t hold up my end of the bargain and wait patiently for him. I’ve already disappointed him by inflicting my complicated situation on him and his wonderful family. For this, my dear future love, I will always be sorry.
I am working through these feelings, because regret and anger only causes me harm. I remind myself that next time, I will choose a kind man with an accepting heart. Someone who wouldn’t focus on disappointment, but rather he’d just be happy to have found us (my sweet little girl and I). I hope to still find Marlboro, but in the meantime, I have a very blessed life so I need to focus on all of the wonderful things God has blessed me with.
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