With the divorce rate so high, it makes me wonder… is it that so many of us are choosing the wrong partner, or do we never fully accept our partner? In other words, do we have one foot in and one foot out in case the waters become turbulent?
It’s crazy to think that you could be sharing your life with someone one minute and the next, you can’t stand the sight of them. I never thought I’d experience this, but life has a way of surprising us. I’ve been separated from my ex for four months now and it feels great to be free. Truth is, I was divorced in my mind before I left him. It was a sad decision to make but I’m so happy that I finally walked away from his verbal and emotional abuse. I didn’t want to spend another minute living in the hell I found myself. But what I find so surreal is that I vowed to love him forever and then one day, it was like a switch went off and I was completely turned off by the thought or sight of him. I think this happens in a lot of relationships. In my case, I exhausted everything I had to stay married, but in the end, I realized that he had not one redeeming quality. So, it was really tough to squint and try to see any good there. Unfortunately, the reason I’m now divorced is because I chose the wrong person. He pretended to be what he knew I wanted in a partner and then flipped the switch after I was trapped.
But I think my ex is on the other end of this…he never fully accepted me as his wife and family. He was raised in a very different way and he never made the switch from being his parent’s little boy to becoming a man with a family. Why is it that people don’t accept someone for who they are and love them as their own family? I never understood this. People get married and love someone enough to have a child with them. They love them enough to want to create a tiny hybrid version of themselves. But when the going gets tough, they throw their spouse aside without hesitation. When I said “I do” I really meant that I would be with him forever. I was raised by parents who love and respect one another more than anyone I’ve seen. They are best friends, and while they have disagreements like any other couple, they fight well together. They always put themselves before others, including my siblings and I. I believe that is the true secret to a healthy, long-lasting marriage. When the kids are grown and out of the house, it’s just the two of you again so you need to stay connected throughout the years. It leads me to wonder if this is why so many couples divorce after the kids leave. Do they realize they have nothing in common anymore and decide to part ways?
I’ve also noticed that people who have the “them versus us” mentality, often find conflict with almost everyone they encounter, including their spouse. Unfortunately, my ex and his parents have this mindset, which may be why he is now divorced and doesn’t have any real friends.? This way of thinking is like cancer to a marriage or really any relationship. He constantly compared his parents to my parents, his coworkers to my coworkers, any friends he used to have to my friends and even himself to me. The problem is, how can he truly be committed to our marriage if he’s still the child in his parent’s family competing with me? When you get married, you are starting your own family. It’s not about disowning your individual families, but it’s about making your spouse your priority and building your own little family as a unit. When this mindset is absent, you end up not fully connecting with your partner as a team and when the going gets tough, it’s fairly easy for the connection to dissolve. Think about that for a minute. You CHOSE to love this person for life and potentially have children with them, but divorcing them seems so easy. Would you divorce your parents, your siblings, your own children? Even abused children don’t want to end their relationship with their parents. They still deeply love their parents and want to maintain a relationship with them. Parents still love and support their children, even if they’ve committed murder. So why is it so easy to divorce your spouse? The person you actually chose? Generally speaking, individuals who are insecure (e.g., their upbringing, career, character), tend to compete with everyone around them. They believe that everyone poses a threat to them and who they are. This is just speculation, but maybe it’s something to watch out for. For me personally, I’m searching for a very secure and confident partner with confident parents. They need to all be on board with accepting people into their lives without competition being the focus. I think if more people went into marriage with the mindset that this person is now your family too, there would be fewer divorces. Unfortunately, it takes two to make a marriage work, so even though I went in with this mindset, my ex did not.
I’m hoping that I’ll choose the right person next time. I’m looking for someone I fit with and we view one another as family. We all deserve someone who really accepts us as family.
And those insecure individuals find it very easy to lie, pretend, and manipulate. It is second nature for them. You can’t stay married to someone who becomes someone totally different and starts emotionally abusing. That isn’t what you signed up for. Props to you for finding the strength to get out of that situation before it turned physically abusive.
Thank you, TVL. Your kinds words lifted my spirits. It is so difficult to see that you’re being abused when you’re deep in the trenches. I’m so grateful for realizing it after only a few years, rather than wasting 20 years of my life and becoming just a shell of a person 😉
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